unfair ba ko?

hey, its been three days since you left and somehow your absence has been felt. i've been better but the first few days has been hard. i feared that it would hurt that much and i was right, its that rip-your-inside-and-tear-you-apart kind of pain.

di ko alam kung tama ba na di ako nakipagusap sayo bago ka umalis. ayoko lang kasi makita mo sa mata ko ung mga di ko masabi, naiisip ko pa lang nung last day mo na makikita kitang paalis parang naiiyak na ko. un ba ung walang feelings? malayo un sa akala mo na wala akong nararamdam para sayo. ang totoo parehas lang tayo. nahulog na rin ako. kaso di ko kayang sabihin sayo lahat ng nararamdaman ko. unfair ba ko dahil di ko sinabi sayo?

the aftermath: day 2

2 days after he left.

kamusta na ko?

di na ko naiiyak which is a good sign. nag-message sya kanina, "r u happy?". di ko sinagot. idle ako nung nagmessage sya, sasagutin ko na sana pero nag-offline sya. di ko alam kung bakit nya un tinanong, gusto ko sanang sabihin "are you?".

alam ko na once nagkausap na naman kami, yari na naman ako. may mararamdaman na naman tapos iiyak pagkatapos. parang tanga lang.

alam ko naman na di nya ko pipiliin unless may sabihin ako sa kanya pero wala syang maririnig sakin. wala akong hihingin na kahit ano. bahala syang magdecide sa sarili nya. kung naguguluhan man sya, problema na nya un. naiinis kasi ko may pagka-sigurista sya. gusto nya alam nyang magiging ok kami bago nya ko piliin. pero mahirap din cguro un, kasi marami syang masasaktan, maraming iiwan if ever ako ung piliin nya.

ang sakin lang naman kung di na sya masaya sa kanya sana pagisipan naman nya ng mabuti kung itutuloy pa ung kasal. kawawa naman ung isa. sana kaya nya kong makalimutan kagad para wala ng problema. para ako rin nakakamove-on na ng maayos.

sana maging ok na lahat. gets ko na hindi ako, sya nga, sya na. sana rin tama ung maging desisyon nya. sana.

Kung Hei Fat Choi!

happy chinese new year! tapos na ang year of the tiger, year of the rabbit naman. di naman ako chinese at di rin naman ako gano naniniwala sa feng shui pero di naman masama na sumunod, wala naman mawawala. pero ang post kong to ay walang kinalaman sa chinese new year. nagkataon lang na chinese new year ngaun kaya ganyan ang title.

hmm..panu ko ba sisimulan to..

he left on a jet plane, don't know if he'll be back again..

oo, umalis na sya papunta sa malayo. actually di naman ganun kalayo, few hours away lang naman by plane pero ang masakit papunta na sya sa taong nagmamay-ari sa kanya.

tapos na ung landian portion. ung mga pagpapa-cute. ung kulitan tuwing tanghali pag inaantok na. tapos na. the end. hanggang dun na lang. period. no erase.

sabi ko gagawin ko ung alam kong tama, even if it kills me. at eto na nga, namamatay na ko sa sakit. ang bigat. ang hirap. ganito pala. pambihira naman kasi, nananahimik ako sa sarili kong mundo blissfully unaware of what i'm missing tapos dumating sya. parang bagyo lang, sinira nya lahat ng depensa ko. kaso di pwede talaga eh. masyadong komplikado. maraming masasaktan. ayoko ng ganun. pwede ko naman syang ipaglaban para maging sakin pero di kaya ng konsensya ko. iniisip ko pa lang parang feeling ko ang sama ko na. kung alam ko lang a magiging ganito dapat sa simula pa lang pinutol ko na.

di ko pinangarap na mapasok sa ganitong gulo. pero since andito na, walang ibang magagawa kundi harapin. ginawa ko ung sa tingin kong tama, at sana tama nga. di ko alam kung pagsisisihan ko to balang-araw pero what's done is done.

if i were in a perfect world, ung tipong walang masasaktan sinabi ko na sa kanya lahat ng nararamdaman ko. kung gano sya kahalaga. na ayaw ko syang umalis. na sana ako ung piliin nya. na sana ako na lang..

pero di pwede. di talaga pwede. ayokong mang-gulo. ayokong makasakit. di ko mapapayagan ang sarili kong gawin un.

kaya eto ko ngaun, nagtatype ng mga bagay na di ko nasabi sa kanya at malamang di na to makarating sa kanya kahit kelan. sabi nga nila, what won't kill you would only make you stronger kaya eto ko nagpapaka-strong. kahit ung totoo halos mawasak na ung loob ko sa sakit.

wala akong ibang mapagsabihan kaya dito na lang. i-vent out ko na lahat ng bigat sa loob ko para kahit pano gumaan-gaan ung dala ko.

i will be fine, di pa nga lang sa ngaun pero dadating ung araw na pagtatawanan ko tong moment na to pati tong post na to dahil masyadong madrama. til then, ganito muna. type ko na lang ung mga bagay na di ko masabi, di nagawa.

sana lang di ko to pagsisihan balang-araw. sana maging masaya sila, ung genuine happiness. ung hindi pinilit, di fake. dahil pinili kong saktan ang sarili ko para mag-give way sa plano nilang happily ever after.

sana makaya ko, tingin ko kaya ko naman kaso mejo mahirap.

everything happens for a reason. kung bakit nangyari to, di ko pa alam sa ngaun pero ayos na rin kasi kahit pano naging masaya naman ako. kahit sandali, naging part sya ng buhay ko. he touched my life in a very special way.
sya lang nakagawa nun.

salamat sayo. nakaramdam ako ng ganito. masakit pero ayos na kong makitang masaya ka, just please don't rub it too much baka kasi di ko kayanin.

kung san man ako mapupunta, kung anong susunod na kabanata, tingnan na lang natin. ipinagdadasal ko na sana makaya ko to at alam kong di Nya ko papabayaan.

behind the camera part 2

on one of my earlier post i wrote about my plans of purchasing a camera. then, i was very much into canon s95. i actually thought that i will be buying that unit for sure. but lumix lx5 came along and it is LOVE!

lx5 is hands down winner in every review against s95 and with that i just know that it will be worth buying it. i ordered it online in online shop called kimstore. it was a good decision to do so because it was a smooth transaction and before i knew it i already got my very own lx5! yey! :)

a becky bloomwood moment

i sooo looove to shop! it's one of the things that i really enjoy and sometimes i get a little crazy over clothes, bags and shoes! yes, clothes! yes, shoes! yes, bags! i love them all! :)

last night after work i was on my way home. i just went on my usual route on the way to the terminal that is a series of malls and boy was i in luck because the shops are on sale! SALE! four letter word that make my heart beat a little faster than the usual! haha! i honestly don't have any plans to buy anything but seeing the sale items just makes me happy as a bee! of course i wouldn't let this opportunity pass me by so i head on my favorite shops and look for two of my favorite things, bags and shoes! you couldn't have too much of those..hehe..i bought two bags, a cream colored leather with gold details and a grey hobo one. also bought white and beige flats. i went crazy on the last minute because i also bought two pairs of ray-ban shades! haha! a splurge i can't resist, maybe an impulsive buy but it is so worth it! i got a new wayfarer and aviator pair! i've been eyeing this two for so long and now it's mine! yes!

i went home feeling like becky bloomwood for a bit, but looking on my great finds i just can't help but be happy about it. i purchased them on a discounted price at least, cheaper than how much i could get them on a regular shopping day..hehe..but really, it was a great way to end my week! a bunch of shiny new things to launch next week! yey! :)

so random

i owe my blog a lot of post now but i can't seem to start to write about anything in particular, so i'll be writing about ramdom things instead..hehe..

• i so loooove to read but for the past months i was not able to do so. hmm..maybe i should start to go grab a book later tonight.
• i'm craving for something sweet for like a couple of days now, but i can't seem to find out what i am actually craving for..hehe..a brownie? cake? frappe?
• as i am writing this, it is raining hard outside i could hear it against our office window. 
• yes, i'm at the office right now and yes, i should be working and not writing this post! haha!
• a little bit more than a month and it's christmas time once again! how time flies! before we know it, the brand new year is upon us! :)
• and speaking of christmas, i haven't started my christmas shopping yet! oh no! last year i started it at around october and finished it early december i think. but this year i am so behind schedule! yikes! should start buying gifts on payday! haha!
• last month i was diagnosed with anemia because i was experiencing dizziness for days. right now i don't feel any dizziness anymore! yey! thanks to the prescribed vitamins given to me! totally works! :)
• as i am writing this, i got Tiktok by Kesha playing on the background! love her!
• i miss my high school barkada! it's been like 7 months since i last saw them. been planning for a night out but so far we're not successful. but we'll definitely see each other soon! hopefully! haha!

behind the camera

i miss my old camera. i was a proud owner of a Nikon D60 camera few months back. it was with me for almost 2 years. that was my first major purchase ever! i sold it because i hardly use it anymore, i would want to but it is too heavy and bulky to carry around. though i really enjoyed taking pictures. it gives me that high that i can't explain. i admit that i was really not good at it but i go on taking pictures anyway..hehe..

now i really do miss taking pictures! i am eyeing Canon S95 as of the moment. it is a compact camera that almost works like a dslr. i can't wait to have enough money to actually purchase it, hopefully next month. since it is a lot smaller than my previous camera, i am planning to carry it around as often as i can and take more pictures and post them! i haven't really posted any of my pictures from my old cam, i just don't feel like they are good enough to share to people. but once i got my own S95, i would be taking as many pictures as i can! :)) i can't hardly wait to actually be behind the lenses again!