parang ewan

naiinis ako sa sarili ko. para kong ewan. nagiintay akong imessage nya ko kasi namimiss ko sya. hay..ano ba naman to?

at eto na nga, nagmessage na at ako naman si gaga di makatiis na di sumagot sa kanya..hay..

di ko na alam kung anong gagawin pero parang humihina ung pamigil ko. di ko sya matiis talaga. parang ewan.

a day like today

today has been weird. maybe it's the unfortunate stomach ache that i had or the painful vaccine shot i had that still hurts. but i guess i know why. deep inside i know why, i just can't get myself to admit it but it is screaming way too loud and i can't shut it out.

i miss him. i miss him everyday. every single day.

i wish i could have him for myself. tell him every little thing that i kept locked deep down. i think i could make him happy and he could make me happy too. but this can't be. it will never be.

i'm struggling to accept the fact that none of those things will ever happen but i can't hide that somehow i was hoping against hope that things would change and smile my way.

what am i thinking? who am i kidding?

today has been weird.

a week before v-day

saktong 1 week from now bidang-bida na naman si cupid at ang mga red heart cut-outs, roses and chocolates, at cguradong puno ang mga restaurants at malls ng mga lovers na nagdadate. ako kaya, san ako pupulutin sa araw na un? parang gusto kong mag-leave. ayokong pumasok. malulungkot lang ako, dahil as of the moment ako ay heartbroken. :(

the aftermath: day 5

five days since he left.

first day nya sa new work nya, alam ko kasi magka-chat na naman kami kanina. ang labo lang kasi parang walang nangyari. parang di sya umalis. parang andito lang sya, few cubes away sa area ko. nangungulit pa rin. 

sa totoo lang di ko to ineexpect. kala ko kasi after nya umalis tapos na, as in the end. pero parang hindi naman. anjan pa rin sya. mas lalong nakakainis kasi pano naman ako makakalimot kung lagi pa rin syang anjan?

sandali na lang, ilang buwan na lang kasal na nya. bakit kasi di pa sya manahimik? para matahimik na rin ako. 

cguro parehas kaming di pa rin maka-let go. kasi ako, ayoko man aminin sa sarili ko, pero hindi ko pa rin sya makayang tiisin. automatic na pag nagmessage sya sasagot ako. gaya ng nakasanayan ko. nasanay na kasi kong anjan sya.

hay..ano ba tong gulong napasok ko?

unfair ba ko?

hey, its been three days since you left and somehow your absence has been felt. i've been better but the first few days has been hard. i feared that it would hurt that much and i was right, its that rip-your-inside-and-tear-you-apart kind of pain.

di ko alam kung tama ba na di ako nakipagusap sayo bago ka umalis. ayoko lang kasi makita mo sa mata ko ung mga di ko masabi, naiisip ko pa lang nung last day mo na makikita kitang paalis parang naiiyak na ko. un ba ung walang feelings? malayo un sa akala mo na wala akong nararamdam para sayo. ang totoo parehas lang tayo. nahulog na rin ako. kaso di ko kayang sabihin sayo lahat ng nararamdaman ko. unfair ba ko dahil di ko sinabi sayo?

the aftermath: day 2

2 days after he left.

kamusta na ko?

di na ko naiiyak which is a good sign. nag-message sya kanina, "r u happy?". di ko sinagot. idle ako nung nagmessage sya, sasagutin ko na sana pero nag-offline sya. di ko alam kung bakit nya un tinanong, gusto ko sanang sabihin "are you?".

alam ko na once nagkausap na naman kami, yari na naman ako. may mararamdaman na naman tapos iiyak pagkatapos. parang tanga lang.

alam ko naman na di nya ko pipiliin unless may sabihin ako sa kanya pero wala syang maririnig sakin. wala akong hihingin na kahit ano. bahala syang magdecide sa sarili nya. kung naguguluhan man sya, problema na nya un. naiinis kasi ko may pagka-sigurista sya. gusto nya alam nyang magiging ok kami bago nya ko piliin. pero mahirap din cguro un, kasi marami syang masasaktan, maraming iiwan if ever ako ung piliin nya.

ang sakin lang naman kung di na sya masaya sa kanya sana pagisipan naman nya ng mabuti kung itutuloy pa ung kasal. kawawa naman ung isa. sana kaya nya kong makalimutan kagad para wala ng problema. para ako rin nakakamove-on na ng maayos.

sana maging ok na lahat. gets ko na hindi ako, sya nga, sya na. sana rin tama ung maging desisyon nya. sana.

Kung Hei Fat Choi!

happy chinese new year! tapos na ang year of the tiger, year of the rabbit naman. di naman ako chinese at di rin naman ako gano naniniwala sa feng shui pero di naman masama na sumunod, wala naman mawawala. pero ang post kong to ay walang kinalaman sa chinese new year. nagkataon lang na chinese new year ngaun kaya ganyan ang title.

hmm..panu ko ba sisimulan to..

he left on a jet plane, don't know if he'll be back again..

oo, umalis na sya papunta sa malayo. actually di naman ganun kalayo, few hours away lang naman by plane pero ang masakit papunta na sya sa taong nagmamay-ari sa kanya.

tapos na ung landian portion. ung mga pagpapa-cute. ung kulitan tuwing tanghali pag inaantok na. tapos na. the end. hanggang dun na lang. period. no erase.

sabi ko gagawin ko ung alam kong tama, even if it kills me. at eto na nga, namamatay na ko sa sakit. ang bigat. ang hirap. ganito pala. pambihira naman kasi, nananahimik ako sa sarili kong mundo blissfully unaware of what i'm missing tapos dumating sya. parang bagyo lang, sinira nya lahat ng depensa ko. kaso di pwede talaga eh. masyadong komplikado. maraming masasaktan. ayoko ng ganun. pwede ko naman syang ipaglaban para maging sakin pero di kaya ng konsensya ko. iniisip ko pa lang parang feeling ko ang sama ko na. kung alam ko lang a magiging ganito dapat sa simula pa lang pinutol ko na.

di ko pinangarap na mapasok sa ganitong gulo. pero since andito na, walang ibang magagawa kundi harapin. ginawa ko ung sa tingin kong tama, at sana tama nga. di ko alam kung pagsisisihan ko to balang-araw pero what's done is done.

if i were in a perfect world, ung tipong walang masasaktan sinabi ko na sa kanya lahat ng nararamdaman ko. kung gano sya kahalaga. na ayaw ko syang umalis. na sana ako ung piliin nya. na sana ako na lang..

pero di pwede. di talaga pwede. ayokong mang-gulo. ayokong makasakit. di ko mapapayagan ang sarili kong gawin un.

kaya eto ko ngaun, nagtatype ng mga bagay na di ko nasabi sa kanya at malamang di na to makarating sa kanya kahit kelan. sabi nga nila, what won't kill you would only make you stronger kaya eto ko nagpapaka-strong. kahit ung totoo halos mawasak na ung loob ko sa sakit.

wala akong ibang mapagsabihan kaya dito na lang. i-vent out ko na lahat ng bigat sa loob ko para kahit pano gumaan-gaan ung dala ko.

i will be fine, di pa nga lang sa ngaun pero dadating ung araw na pagtatawanan ko tong moment na to pati tong post na to dahil masyadong madrama. til then, ganito muna. type ko na lang ung mga bagay na di ko masabi, di nagawa.

sana lang di ko to pagsisihan balang-araw. sana maging masaya sila, ung genuine happiness. ung hindi pinilit, di fake. dahil pinili kong saktan ang sarili ko para mag-give way sa plano nilang happily ever after.

sana makaya ko, tingin ko kaya ko naman kaso mejo mahirap.

everything happens for a reason. kung bakit nangyari to, di ko pa alam sa ngaun pero ayos na rin kasi kahit pano naging masaya naman ako. kahit sandali, naging part sya ng buhay ko. he touched my life in a very special way.
sya lang nakagawa nun.

salamat sayo. nakaramdam ako ng ganito. masakit pero ayos na kong makitang masaya ka, just please don't rub it too much baka kasi di ko kayanin.

kung san man ako mapupunta, kung anong susunod na kabanata, tingnan na lang natin. ipinagdadasal ko na sana makaya ko to at alam kong di Nya ko papabayaan.

behind the camera part 2

on one of my earlier post i wrote about my plans of purchasing a camera. then, i was very much into canon s95. i actually thought that i will be buying that unit for sure. but lumix lx5 came along and it is LOVE!

lx5 is hands down winner in every review against s95 and with that i just know that it will be worth buying it. i ordered it online in online shop called kimstore. it was a good decision to do so because it was a smooth transaction and before i knew it i already got my very own lx5! yey! :)

a becky bloomwood moment

i sooo looove to shop! it's one of the things that i really enjoy and sometimes i get a little crazy over clothes, bags and shoes! yes, clothes! yes, shoes! yes, bags! i love them all! :)

last night after work i was on my way home. i just went on my usual route on the way to the terminal that is a series of malls and boy was i in luck because the shops are on sale! SALE! four letter word that make my heart beat a little faster than the usual! haha! i honestly don't have any plans to buy anything but seeing the sale items just makes me happy as a bee! of course i wouldn't let this opportunity pass me by so i head on my favorite shops and look for two of my favorite things, bags and shoes! you couldn't have too much of those..hehe..i bought two bags, a cream colored leather with gold details and a grey hobo one. also bought white and beige flats. i went crazy on the last minute because i also bought two pairs of ray-ban shades! haha! a splurge i can't resist, maybe an impulsive buy but it is so worth it! i got a new wayfarer and aviator pair! i've been eyeing this two for so long and now it's mine! yes!

i went home feeling like becky bloomwood for a bit, but looking on my great finds i just can't help but be happy about it. i purchased them on a discounted price at least, cheaper than how much i could get them on a regular shopping day..hehe..but really, it was a great way to end my week! a bunch of shiny new things to launch next week! yey! :)

so random

i owe my blog a lot of post now but i can't seem to start to write about anything in particular, so i'll be writing about ramdom things instead..hehe..

• i so loooove to read but for the past months i was not able to do so. hmm..maybe i should start to go grab a book later tonight.
• i'm craving for something sweet for like a couple of days now, but i can't seem to find out what i am actually craving for..hehe..a brownie? cake? frappe?
• as i am writing this, it is raining hard outside i could hear it against our office window. 
• yes, i'm at the office right now and yes, i should be working and not writing this post! haha!
• a little bit more than a month and it's christmas time once again! how time flies! before we know it, the brand new year is upon us! :)
• and speaking of christmas, i haven't started my christmas shopping yet! oh no! last year i started it at around october and finished it early december i think. but this year i am so behind schedule! yikes! should start buying gifts on payday! haha!
• last month i was diagnosed with anemia because i was experiencing dizziness for days. right now i don't feel any dizziness anymore! yey! thanks to the prescribed vitamins given to me! totally works! :)
• as i am writing this, i got Tiktok by Kesha playing on the background! love her!
• i miss my high school barkada! it's been like 7 months since i last saw them. been planning for a night out but so far we're not successful. but we'll definitely see each other soon! hopefully! haha!

behind the camera

i miss my old camera. i was a proud owner of a Nikon D60 camera few months back. it was with me for almost 2 years. that was my first major purchase ever! i sold it because i hardly use it anymore, i would want to but it is too heavy and bulky to carry around. though i really enjoyed taking pictures. it gives me that high that i can't explain. i admit that i was really not good at it but i go on taking pictures anyway..hehe..

now i really do miss taking pictures! i am eyeing Canon S95 as of the moment. it is a compact camera that almost works like a dslr. i can't wait to have enough money to actually purchase it, hopefully next month. since it is a lot smaller than my previous camera, i am planning to carry it around as often as i can and take more pictures and post them! i haven't really posted any of my pictures from my old cam, i just don't feel like they are good enough to share to people. but once i got my own S95, i would be taking as many pictures as i can! :)) i can't hardly wait to actually be behind the lenses again!

it's nice to be out

went out last night with my officemates. we went to a place called lime 88. it is a bar/restaurant located in a residential place that made it somewhat hard to find but it was all worth it because the food was great as well as the service. i haven't been out with them so it is nice to spend some time with them aside from the workplace once in a while. we eat, laugh, talk, drink and eat some more until the wee hours of the night. all in all, it was a great way of wrapping up the work week and starting a long weekend.

just another rainy day

it has been raining for days now
the gloomy weather has always find its way to pull my spirits down
i don't know why it just happens all the time
the loneliness is creeping up and down my spine
i feel so alone in a crowded place which is not a good sign
been trying to smile but can't find the reason why should i
seeing him just reminds me a lot
that we cant be a part of something we want
i cant remember how it all start
i could've stop him but i just cant
maybe because i know deep inside
i'm struggling with what i want and my so called pride
i know i cant be the reason to cause that hurt inside
i dont have the courage to go ahead and fight
this is where i turn my back
i cant give what she has to offer
i just cant stand to make anyone suffer
my apologies for all the pain
for all the tears that fell like rain
just like how it fall on my window pane
on one of the many rainy days just like today

what and if

i just saw the movie letters to juliet just now and a line from it caught my attention more than any part of the story.

what and if.
two words as nonthreatening as words come.
but put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.
"what if?..."

those lines are part of the letter for claire sent by sophie in the movie.

two words that seem to not mean anything, but when put together could just make you think of the what-might-have-been. true. i totally agree to this. life has it's own way of telling us that there is a reason for our past not being part of our present and future but until that day when enlightenment dawns on us we were sometimes faced with the question:"what if?..."

every single life changing decision we had could have resulted and lead us to a completely different place in our lives if we had it other way. so as those small, insignificant details have the same bearing as well. the thing is we always find ourselves bumped and bruised answering the question "what if?". even in the well-thought-of decisions in our lives, when we could actually not ask the question and maybe just start acting on it. why ask when you could actually see for yourself how things would turn out? maybe it's not too late to do so.

but considering those things that can't be changed anymore i think it's best not to ask "what if?" but rather accept the things as they are. it would be useless to cry over spilt milk, right? maybe we could just channel our energies on making things work for us despite how things ended up. here is a chance for us to turn things the other way around, that other way is our way. it could be an epic fail or our biggest success but either way it will be for the best because we took control of the situation and did it the way we want.

"what if?...".

for a while i was like flooded with my own long list of what-might-have-beens. i was pensive. but then i thought that if things didn't happened as they did, i wouldn't be the person i am today. i am not perfect and that's ok. i know that those bad experiences, all the failures, heartaches, disappointments, frustrations although all painful and might left a scar or two, made me feel human and very much grounded. i felt more alive than ever. i'm not masochistic, i don't enjoy pain of course. but it just reminds us that life isn't perfect so do each and everyone of us. i know that my perfectly flawed self is the best version of me and i wouldn't have it any other way.

so the next time i encounter "what if?" i will just read it as two nonthreatening words: what and if.

my first post

my first post, or should i say my brain's first fart.

i've been wanting to create a blog for so long but now was just the time that i actually did it. not sure why but i just got that feeling that maybe this could be a start of something good, if not maybe just a plain brand new start of something.

maybe this could be a perfect venue to go rambling on about ramdom things that i have thought of, read about, watched, heard, seen, tasted, felt and this list could go on and on but basically this is where i could write freely and tell things in and outside my life. it would be fun to back read on my posts after some time. :)